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User blog:THEJJRAT/Locke and His Amazing Super-Friends: A Payday Story
Ahhhhh Jacketsepticeye Red Sun: Emergence The gang had just escaped from a daring heist on the One57 building in Manhattan, having stolen the world's first quantum confibuibulatorowar universe generation machine developed by Dr. Rossy. They were being chased by six SWAT vans led by Captain Winters. And Captain America. And Captain Planet. And Captain Hammer. And Captain Atom. And also being chased by the Dino Rangers. And the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And Moon Knight. And Spider-Man. And Alex Mercer. Probably shouldn't have done this in broad daylight. "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND" Scarface yelled, popping out from the top of the van and unloading his Little Friend 7.62 into the crowd of coppers. He almost immediately got shot in the face by one of Spider-Man's webs, shooting the sky erratically as he roared in confusion. Spider-Man hopped over him and onto the car, banging on it like Spider-Man 2. One of his unsaid powers was banging on cars and somehow deactivating them. Suddenly, Mr. Verman Lock, the Payday gang's newest recruit, slid up Scarface's back like a snake, somehow fitting through the tiny slit he left in the car opening thing. He jumped behind Spidey, the wall-crawler doing the same as his spider-sense went off. Except not behind him, but instead in front of him, just to keep the fight spicy. Lock cracked his neck, doing the "signal Spider-Man to fight hand-thing" like a Jackie Chan movie or something. Spider-Man charged up, shaking intensely as his eye lenses became angery, charging him like the gameplay mechanic in Michigan: Report from Hell. Lock swayed to the left, Spider-Man running over Scarface, breaking his back and knocking him out, flying off the van and getting hit by a speeding SWAT van. His body flung across the street, being repeatedly run over by police cruisers and H.E.C.U. M25 Tank Transporters. "Spider-Man? Spider-Man? SPIDER-MAAAAAAHN! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" Brisco, one of the many camera men chasing the gang, yelled, cradling Spidey's broken body after the horde passed them. "B-Brisco...." Spider-Man groaned, reaching for the camera man's hand. "Spider-Man?" Brisco yeeped, tears running down his gorgeous face. "Tell Assassin... Tell him I love him... And tell underoos he can go work for Iron Man now because I'm going to be dead in a few minutes...." "NO SPIDER-MAN, YOU'RE NOT DYING. NOT LIKE PAMELA!" Brisco screamed, globs of spit splashing on the superhero's mask. He dropped Spidey, back flipping backwards as his eyes glowed. He roared, his shirt tearing asunder as his abs grew to gigantic proportions, electricity sparkling around his body as his hair turned white. He raised his hand, shouting out a thunderous roar that shook the roads for miles upon miles, "「痛い思うから痛いんや！」" Spider-Man gasped for air, having died when he was dropped, freshly revived by Brisco Blanco's magnificent Inspire skill. And then all the police (and marine) cars exploded from the shockwave sent throughout the city. "Yes! We pulled it off!" Dallas yelled in triumph, Scarface's unconscious body falling from above and hitting the floor. Of the van, of course. "Great job, friends. You all exceeded my expectations." Mr. Lock said, tearing off his moustache and revealing that he was really Vernon Locke. "OH MY GOD, iT'S LOCKE" Dallas gasped, hand over mouth, in complete shock. "That's right, Dallas. This entire heist was actually the newest episode of Undercover Boss." Locke said, smiling warmly. "But.... so we didn't actually rob that place? Were those soldiers just a bunch of stunt actors or something?" Hoxton asked. "No, we did actually steal a world changing invention while murdering a bunch of kaks and also costing the police department millions. Stephen Lambert knows where to put his money, for sure." "Aw, sweet. We get to be on the news and daytime television." Chains said. "Yeah, sweet. Cool diddly. Anyone wanna go to Zaxby's?" Dallas asked. Everybody immediately raised their hand, including Jacket, because he's there too. "Zaxby's? Is that some sort of American intelligence agency or something?" Locke asked. "Yeah, they sell fried chicken dipped in figurative liquid platinum. We always go there after heists." said Dallas. Ethan's face caved in with worry, slowly raising his finger to speak. "I thought our favorite place was Papa John's?" he asked, causing a wave of silence to drift over them for around two minutes. ".... Well, uh, you always request that when you're around, so...." Chains coughed. "Yeah. You always yap on about that stupid bloody pizza place like how Bain always yaps about that stupid bloody therma-" Jimmy said, getting hit in the shoulder by Hoxton. "You mean you ever even thought to bring me to your favorite place?! Come on, dog, I've been with you for like, twenty heists or something. I helped you break Bain out, for Koetting's sake. I just think it's time I get a little respect." Ethan said, his fierce voice of reason bouncing off of Dallas' mask. "NO YOU" Dallas said, pointing at him and getting all up close, pushing his finger up against Ethan's nose to establish dominance. "no you" Ethan growled. Dallas audibly cried out, clutching his chest in agony. "AAHHHHHHHHH, I'M DYING! I NEED A MEDIC BAG!" Dallas screamed, Hoxton rushing to their emergency medic bag in the glove department. Locke only stared at these terrible events, the burn gel being lathered all over Dallas triggering a flashback to the Rhodesian Bush War. "WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP BACK THERE" Bonnie screamed from the driver's seat, because Twitch was busy in Atlanta. Wow, Bonnie's here too? This is a big ass car. That wasn't a joke about her weight, she was originally Clover before I realized her lines fit Bonnie better. This is a very liberal fanfiction. "BUT I'M DYING" Dallas objected. "YOU BETTER GET THE FUCK UP OR I'LL TURN THIS CAR RIGHT THE FUCK AROUND, MISTER" she reobjected. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Dallas screeched, his crispy charred skin morphing back to normal as Bonnie bounced her hand up and down, casting Inspire on his ass. Not literally, because his ass thankfully wasn't a victim to Ethan's thirty degree burns. Meanwhile, in some dingy apartment complex in Manhattan In some dingy apartment complex in Manhattan, Mark Edward Fischbach was laughing madly as he rubbed satanic juices all over his naked body, performing his daily ritual to please Demon Lord Zeraxos. Seán William McLoughlin, apart of Mark's ragtag team/hivemind of Internet comedians, was watching CNM on his couch, eating a bunch of maggot infested popcorn out of a bowl as he watched in terror. "As you can see, the Payday gang were in a high speed chase with Manhattan police and the United States Marines, as well as dozens of superpowered individuals such as the Power Rangers. Three thousand officers and marines were killed when their cars exploded for some reason, two hundred civilians injured by the shrapnel that followed. Now to Walter Nichols with the weather." said Rachel Riggs on the TV, before Seán accidentally shut off the TV after a piece of maggot popcorn hit the off button on his remote. "That's tragic! What were the Payday gang doing in New York? I hope I don't get shot by them. I also want to go to Zaxby's. That sounds like a jolly good time." he said, removing himself from the couch and allowing the maggots to burrow into said couch. They were finally free. Seán opened his closet, staring down at Aaron Ash, aka Yamimash, who was tied up with rope with flex tape over his mouth. The tape being the Aztec god Cozamalotl. "Top of the mornin' to ye, my inferior counterpart. Would you care to hand me the car keys?" Seán asked. Aaron only confusingly screamed, as his hands were bound. "MMMMMHMMHMHMHMHMHMGMMGMHMHMMHMHMHMHM IMMMGMHMHMMCANTMMTMSMAMMPIXKCKDMSNANYJTJGJNGUPYOUDUMABASS" Ash screamed. "Poor, poor Ash. This is exactly why you were replaced. Can't even pick up a couple o' keys." Seán said, grabbing the keys next to Ash. "I'll bring you a few cheddar bites if you behave better next time." he said, slamming the door shut. Category:Blog posts